How to ask for useful feedback: a Stoic practice

To ask for useful feedback, choose one action you want to improve, ask someone who has actually seen it, and request an example. Then decide what you will change and how you will check whether the change helped.

“How am I doing?” gives the other person a large and awkward job. “In yesterday’s presentation, where did you lose the thread?” gives them something they can answer. You are asking them to help you see a piece of your work more clearly.

Marcus Aurelius writes about being willing to accept a correction. We can apply that willingness before feedback arrives: seek another view because your own judgment can be mistaken. If you care about acting well, finding a correctable error is useful information. The difficult part is making room for an answer you did not hope to hear.

Make being corrected part of the aim

In Meditations 6.21, Marcus Aurelius says he is willing to change when someone shows him that his thinking or conduct is wrong. His reason is a commitment to truth. The passage treats a correction as something to examine and use.

A related passage, 8.16, makes another point: changing your judgment when someone corrects an error can itself be an exercise of freedom. You are still using your own understanding. Accepting a sound reason does not mean handing another person authority over all your choices.

That gives a feedback conversation two responsibilities. Be willing to discover that you were wrong. Also examine the advice rather than accepting it simply because it was delivered confidently. Both require attention to what happened.

The questions, examples and follow-up method below are our modern applications of those passages. They are not a feedback system prescribed by Marcus.

Choose a question someone can answer

Begin with a decision you can use the answer to make. Perhaps you need to make a presentation clearer, contribute better in a meeting or listen more carefully to a friend. “Become a better person” is too broad for one conversation.

Choose someone with relevant experience of the situation. A colleague who attended the presentation can describe where they became confused. A friend who never saw it can offer encouragement, but cannot tell you which slide lost the room. Expertise helps, and direct observation matters too.

Ask whether they have time, and make the request small enough to respect the answer. For example: “Could you spend five minutes telling me where yesterday’s explanation became hard to follow? One example would help.” If they decline, find another suitable moment or person. An invitation to help is not an obligation to review your work.

Here are three ways to make a vague request usable:

• Instead of “Was my presentation good?” ask, “What did you think I was recommending, and where was that unclear?”
• Instead of “Am I a good teammate?” ask, “In the last project, was there a handoff from me that made your work harder? What information was missing?”
• Instead of “Do I listen well?” ask, “In our conversation yesterday, what would have helped you explain what was on your mind?”

These questions leave room for an unwelcome answer. Avoid adding a defence to the request: “I know the presentation was rushed because nobody gave me enough time, but what did you think?” You may have a legitimate constraint to discuss. First let the other person describe what they observed.

A worked example: the explanation that felt clear to you

Imagine you gave a ten-minute update about choosing a new booking system. You understood the options and thought the presentation went well. When you ask a colleague where it became difficult to follow, they say: “I couldn’t tell whether you wanted us to approve the purchase or just discuss it. You explained the features before saying what decision we needed.”

Your first impulse is to point out that the final slide said “Approval requested.” That fact matters, but it does not settle whether the audience understood the purpose early enough. Ask one clarifying question: “At what point would that have been most useful to know?”

They answer: “At the start. I was trying to work out whether to judge the price or suggest more features.” Now you have an observation and its practical consequence. The problem is narrower than “I am bad at presenting.” The decision arrived too late to guide the listener’s attention.

A completed note might look like this:

• What I heard: One colleague did not know what decision I needed until the final slide.
• What I can check: My slides opened with features. The approval request came at the end.
• What I will try: Open the next update with the decision, my recommendation and the two criteria we need to weigh.
• How I will follow up: After that update, ask this colleague what decision they understood me to be requesting.

You could thank them with a concrete response: “That helps. I’ll move the decision to the opening next time.” Then make the change. There is no need to turn the conversation into a confession about every presentation you have ever given.

One person’s experience is a starting point. If the decision is important, ask another relevant listener independently where the explanation was unclear. Describe the issue without campaigning for agreement with your preferred answer.

When the feedback is vague or the advice seems wrong

Suppose the answer is “You need to be more confident.” Ask for an observable example: “What did I do that gave that impression?” The person might say you spoke too quietly, apologised before every recommendation, or changed your answer whenever someone disagreed. Each suggests a different thing to examine.

If they cannot identify an example, leave the advice as an open question. You do not yet have enough information to turn it into an action. Nor does vagueness prove the concern is worthless. You can look for relevant evidence at the next opportunity.

Sometimes the observation is useful and the proposed solution is poor. A colleague might notice that your update ran over time, then suggest removing all discussion of uncertainty. You can accept the timing problem while deciding that the uncertainty matters to the decision. A better experiment might be cutting repeated background information and keeping a short, clear account of the unknowns.

Write down the distinction: “The meeting overran. I will shorten the background. I will keep the uncertainty that affects the choice.” This makes it possible to learn without obeying every suggestion.

When you disagree, state the reason plainly: “I agree the update was too long. I need to keep that risk visible because it affects whether we should buy. I’ll shorten the opening instead.” You can remain open to further evidence after making that decision.

A worked example: asking a friend about listening

Feedback about a relationship needs care because the other person is also affected by the behaviour. Choose a quiet moment rather than making them evaluate you in the middle of a disagreement.

You might ask: “When we talked about the move yesterday, what would you have liked me to do differently?” Your friend says they wanted you to listen longer before suggesting solutions. They were trying to explain why leaving was difficult, and your list of practical fixes made the conversation feel hurried.

You intended to help. That intention can be true alongside their account of the conversation. Before explaining yourself, check that you understood: “You wanted room to talk through leaving, and I moved straight to organising it. Is that right?”

If it is, acknowledge the specific action: “I’m sorry I cut that short. Next time I’ll ask whether you want ideas before offering them.” Then let them continue if they want to. Do not ask them to reassure you that you are still a good friend.

Your practice for the next conversation is small: allow them to finish, then ask whether advice would be welcome. Later, a brief “Was there more room to explain this time?” can check your understanding. A friendship does not need to become a weekly performance review. Use the question when it serves the relationship, and leave space for ordinary conversation.

Three mistakes that make feedback less useful

Asking until someone gives the answer you want. Seeking another perspective can clarify a disagreement. Repeating the question to new people solely to collect praise protects the original judgment from examination. Before asking again, name the uncertainty another answer would resolve.

Promising to change everything. Several suggestions can conflict. Choose a change that addresses a real problem, explain your choice when needed, and check its effect. You can appreciate someone’s time without promising to follow all their advice.

Performing openness while arguing with every example. If each answer produces a long defence, your request has become harder to answer honestly. Ask for clarification, correct important factual errors, and give yourself time to consider the rest. “I want to think about that before deciding” is a legitimate response.

Choosing a reviewer also means using judgment about the relationship. Someone who repeatedly humiliates you or uses private disclosures against you is a poor person to invite into this exercise. You can seek informed feedback elsewhere and address that conduct separately. Stoic willingness to learn does not require accepting mistreatment.

Complete one feedback loop

Keep a short record of the request, what you learned and what happened when you tried a change. It can be a few sentences in the same place you keep the work. Here is a completed example for a project handoff:

Before asking: I want to send work that my colleague can continue without chasing missing information. I will ask the person who used my last handoff, “What did you have to ask me for before you could start?”

After listening: They needed the current file and the deadline. I will put both at the top of the next handoff, then ask whether those details were enough to begin.

After trying it: My colleague found the file and deadline immediately, but still needed to know who would approve the work. Next time I will include the approver too.

The last note matters. It records a result rather than assuming that a sensible change solved everything. If the change helped, keep it. If another obstacle appeared, address that. An informed correction leads to another observation, not a demand for praise.

A reminder to stay open to correction

Before a feedback conversation, reread a short note: “Ask for an example. Consider it. Choose a change.” Put it beside the work you will discuss. A paper note or a bookmarked passage from Marcus is enough to bring the intention back into view.

If you prefer a philosophical cue on your phone, Stoic Widgets offers Home Screen quote widgets and saved favourites on iPhone. That is an optional way to keep ideas nearby while you practise. The feedback questions here work without the app.

A reminder is worth considering only if you will return to it. Our company’s Stoic Widgets Internal Research Brief reports that 64% of consistent-use participants said Stoic quotes were part of their daily routine, compared with 24% of low-use or delayed-start participants. That finding concerns a reported routine. It does not show that users became better at asking for feedback or accepting corrections.

Based on internal pre-release product research across web, beta, and mobile users. Results are self-reported and preliminary. Usage groups were not randomly assigned, so differences between those groups may help explain the result. This is company-reported product research, not independent evidence that the app caused a change. The study did not test this exercise. Research details.

For today, choose one action and one person who saw it. Ask a question whose answer could change what you do next. The useful result is a better-informed choice you can put into practice.

Keep reading

If feedback has already become a tense exchange, use our guide to pausing before an angry reply. To reflect on what you tried and choose a next step, follow the Stoic evening review.

About the writer

The Stoic Widgets Team

We make Stoic Widgets. WIDGET WORKS LLP publishes this magazine. This guide includes links to our app and the original philosophical texts.