The dichotomy of control: a Stoic guide to uncertain outcomes

The dichotomy of control is the Stoic distinction between what is up to you and what is not. Use it to separate the choice you can make from the outcome you want, then give that choice your attention.

Suppose you send someone a message about plans for the weekend. They have not replied. You open the conversation again, although there is no new information. You start composing a second message, this time with an edge to it.

A useful question here is: “What decision is actually waiting for me?” Perhaps you need to set a time by which you will make other plans. Perhaps nothing needs doing until tomorrow. Their reply is theirs. Your request, your tone and your arrangements are yours to consider.

This guide works through that distinction in ordinary situations, including the awkward middle ground where you can influence an outcome without deciding it. The examples and exercise are modern applications of the texts linked below.

What Epictetus meant by control

In section 1 of the Enchiridion, Epictetus places our judgments and choices on one side of the distinction, and things such as possessions and reputation on the other.

For everyday practice, “up to me” is a useful way to read “in my control.” It directs attention to what you choose, including how carefully you examine an assumption. Carrying out an intended action can still meet obstacles, so be ready to choose again when circumstances change. It need not mean that you can switch off a feeling or prevent every unwanted thought.

Consider reputation. You can tell the truth, keep a promise and correct a mistake. You cannot require everyone to admire you afterward. If admiration becomes the condition for feeling that you did enough, your task has no reliable stopping point.

What about things you can influence?

Most important situations involve other people. A team project, a friendship and a shared home all depend on choices beyond your own. Sorting the whole situation into “outside my control” can hide the work that remains yours.

Instead, split the situation into parts. On a team project, you can clarify what you need, complete your contribution and flag a delay. Your colleague decides how to respond. The final result depends on both of you and on circumstances neither of you chose.

You can keep a separate “I can influence this” note if it helps you think. Treat it as a planning aid, rather than a third Stoic category. Then unpack it: which action is mine, and which response belongs to someone else? That prevents influence from quietly becoming an expectation of obedience.

Epictetus addresses the temptation to stop caring in Discourses, Book 2, chapter 5. He compares skillful conduct to playing ball: the care lies in how you play. He explicitly rejects handling external things carelessly. An uncertain result still deserves an honest, thoughtful effort.

Three examples you can borrow

1. Someone has not replied

The unhelpful demand: “They need to answer so I can stop thinking about this.” You have made another person’s timing the solution to your discomfort.

Your part: Check whether the message contains a clear question and whether there is a real deadline. If there is, make it explicit: “I’m booking tomorrow at noon. Let me know before then if you’d like to come.” If you already asked clearly, another message may add pressure without adding information.

A stopping point: Decide when you will check again and what you will do if there is no answer. For a casual invitation, that might mean checking tomorrow morning, then booking for yourself. You can feel disappointed and still make a workable plan.

2. A colleague’s delay threatens your deadline

The unhelpful demand: “They must start taking this as seriously as I do.” Even if the criticism is fair, it does not specify your next move.

Your part: Name the missing item, the deadline and the consequence without guessing their motives. “I need the figures by two to finish the report. If they won’t be ready, please tell me by noon so we can agree on a smaller version.” Ask what is blocking them. Offer help you can realistically give.

A stopping point: Agree on the next check-in. If the delay continues, communicate it to the person responsible for the deadline and propose an alternative. Acceptance of uncertainty can include escalation. It does not require silently absorbing everyone else’s unfinished work.

3. You have apologised, but they are still upset

The unhelpful demand: “I apologised properly, so they should forgive me now.” This turns an apology into a transaction.

Your part: Name what you did without making the other person responsible for it. Offer a specific repair and carry it out. “I shared something you told me privately. I should have asked. If you want me to, I will ask the person I told not to pass it on. I will check with you before contacting them.”

A stopping point: Allow them time and respect any request for space. Forgiveness is theirs to decide. Your responsibility includes changed conduct even if the apology does not restore the relationship.

A five-line exercise for a problem you have today

Choose one situation with an unresolved outcome. Write five short lines. Here is a completed example for the delayed project:

1. The result I want: The report is complete by Friday.
2. The part I cannot decide: Whether the figures arrive on time, and whether the final report is approved.
3. The choice available now: Ask for a realistic delivery time and explain which sections depend on it.
4. The standard I want to meet: Be clear about the risk, listen to the obstacle and avoid blaming someone for a motive I have guessed.
5. When I will act or reassess: Send the request at ten. If there is no answer by noon, call and discuss the fallback with the project lead.

The fifth line matters. It gives you a reason to return to the problem when a decision is due. Until then, work on the sections that can proceed. If important new information arrives sooner, revise the plan.

Afterward, review your choice separately from the result. A late report might reveal that you waited too long to ask for help. It might also reflect a delay you handled responsibly. Identify what happened before deciding what to change.

Prepare for friction before it arrives

In section 4 of the Enchiridion, Epictetus imagines going to a public bath where people may jostle or behave badly. He advises preparing to preserve your own conduct as well as accomplish the errand.

Try that before a conversation you expect to be difficult. Write: “I want us to agree on a plan. If we disagree, I will ask which part is unworkable before defending it.” You now have something to practise even if agreement proves impossible.

Keep the standard within reach. “I will feel completely calm” asks for a state you may not be able to produce. “If I notice myself interrupting, I will stop and let them finish” names a behaviour you can return to.

Where the distinction can go wrong

Using it to excuse avoidable mistakes. An outcome being uncertain does not erase poor preparation. If you missed a deadline because you put off starting, acknowledge that choice and change the plan next time.

Confusing acceptance with approval. Recognising what has happened leaves room to object, set a boundary or seek help. You can challenge unfair treatment without expecting to command the other person’s response.

Judging yourself for the first feeling. Notice the anger or disappointment, then examine what you are about to do. Practising the distinction takes repetition. Feeling upset is a reason to slow down, not a verdict on your character.

Keep one question where you will use it

Choose the situation in which you most often forget the distinction. Before opening a difficult conversation, ask: “What is my part here?” Before chasing a result, ask: “Is there a useful action left to take?” Put the question on a paper note or beside your working notes.

If a phone reminder suits you, Stoic Widgets offers Stoic quote widgets for the iPhone Home Screen, with themes and saved favourites. A passage can be a prompt to pause and use the exercise. The choice that follows still needs your attention.

Our Stoic Widgets Internal Research Brief reports that 29% of consistent users said they changed a behaviour because of a quote, compared with 12% of low-use or delayed-start users. That end-of-study survey asked about users’ own perceptions of their behaviour. It did not test the exercise in this article.

Based on internal pre-release product research across web, beta, and mobile users. Results are self-reported and preliminary. The comparison shows an association, not proof that the app caused the difference. Research details

Keep reading

For a wider practice that includes reading and an evening review, try our beginner’s guide to practising Stoicism. For ideas about placing reminders in an ordinary day, read Learn Stoicism in the moments you already have.

About the writer

The Stoic Widgets Team

We make Stoic Widgets. WIDGET WORKS LLP publishes this magazine. This article includes links to our app and to original philosophical texts.