A Stoic approach to envy when someone else gets ahead

When someone else’s success makes you feel left behind, first name what you actually want. Then ask what pursuing it would require, which costs you would accept, and what useful step you can take without diminishing the other person.

A colleague announces a promotion. You congratulate them, close the message and start listing everything you should have achieved by now. Within minutes, their new job has become a verdict on your whole life.

Put the announcement aside long enough to write one sentence: “I feel envious, and the particular thing I want is ____.” Naming the feeling gives you a starting point. You still need to examine the conclusion attached to it.

A Stoic response begins by questioning that verdict. You may want the responsibility, the money or the recognition. Those are different wants, and each calls for a different decision. “I am falling behind” hides them inside a race whose rules you have never agreed to.

The exercises and examples below are modern applications of Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius. They are designed to help you make a choice when comparison takes over, rather than demand that you instantly feel pleased.

Find the specific thing you envy

Write the sentence you would rather not admit: “I wish I had what they have.” Then replace “what they have” with something precise. Is it higher pay, more interesting work, the ability to travel, public recognition, or simply evidence that other people approve of you?

In Enchiridion 19, Epictetus warns against seeing someone’s honours or power and immediately concluding that they are happy. He argues that if our good rests in what belongs to our own choices, another person’s status gives us no reason for envy.

That is a demanding philosophical claim. You can begin with a smaller, practical distinction: an achievement tells you something about a person’s circumstances. It does not settle the quality of their character, or yours.

Consider three possible answers to the promotion example:

• “I need more income.” Look at compensation, responsibilities and realistic ways to improve your position. Reassuring yourself that titles do not matter will not address a shortfall in your budget.
• “I want work that stretches me.” Identify the skill or responsibility you want to develop. A different assignment might meet that need before a new title does.
• “I want everyone to see that I am successful.” Ask whose approval would be enough, and for how long. If the answer keeps moving, a promotion may leave the underlying contest intact.

You may want all three. Separating them lets you work on the concrete needs while examining the demand for a permanent public verdict in your favour.

For this exercise, keep two judgments separate: whether a promotion would improve your circumstances, and whether you are pursuing it honestly and fairly. A disappointing result does not make good conduct worthless. Our guide to the dichotomy of control explores that distinction in more detail.

Look at the price of the life you are imagining

In Enchiridion 25, Epictetus considers being passed over for an invitation or a place in a consultation. He compares it to buying lettuce: one person has the purchase, while the person who did not buy it still has their money. In his social example, the price includes attendance and praise offered to an influential person.

The point is to notice the exchange. If you declined its price, include what you retained when judging the result. That might be your time, independence or refusal to flatter. This is not a claim that every successful person has compromised their principles.

Section 29 adds a second check before pursuing an ambition:

His example is an aspiring Olympic competitor who needs to consider the training and possible setbacks, not just the victory. Apply that question to your own choices without pretending you know the hidden costs of somebody else’s life.

Make three short notes: what I want, what I know it requires, what I still need to find out. Keep the last category honest. A photograph does not tell you someone’s finances. A promotion announcement does not tell you their working hours. Inventing a miserable backstory for them is another way of avoiding your own decision.

A completed example: the promotion you wanted

Suppose you applied for the same role as your colleague. There was one vacancy, and they got it. The loss is real. You do not need to pretend that every opportunity is unlimited or that disappointment is a misunderstanding.

Your first thought is, “They are better than me, and I have wasted the last two years.” Complete the exercise more carefully:

In Enchiridion 24, Epictetus discusses helping friends and serving a community while preserving integrity. That supplies a constraint for this example: whatever role you pursue, do not obtain it by abandoning the honesty you owe other people.

In that meeting, you could ask: “Which part of my application was least convincing for this role?” Then: “What assignment would let me demonstrate that skill, and when could we review it?”

The answer may reveal a genuine gap, an unclear process or limited opportunities where you are. Use what you learn to decide whether to develop there, seek another role or challenge a specific problem. None of those choices requires turning your colleague into an enemy.

Do not use acceptance to excuse unfairness

There is a difference between wanting someone else’s position and objecting to how a decision was made. Both can be present. Feeling envious does not prove that your complaint is false, just as feeling wronged does not prove it is true.

If you believe a colleague received credit for work you did, replace the general accusation with a record: which work, what contribution, where the credit appeared, and what correction you are requesting. “The project summary omits the analysis I delivered on Tuesday. Please add that contribution” is a concrete issue that can be examined.

You cannot guarantee that a fair request will be accepted. You can make the request, support it with evidence and choose an appropriate next step if the problem remains. Avoiding envy does not require dropping a justified complaint.

Do not turn the lettuce analogy into a theory that everyone gets what they deserve. People start with different resources and opportunities, and effort does not guarantee the result. The useful question concerns the choices available to you now.

A second example: wanting a friend’s freedom

A friend posts pictures from a month abroad. You have responsibilities that make a similar trip impractical. Your first response is to think that their life is adventurous and yours is dull.

Name the part you want before copying the whole arrangement. Perhaps you miss exploring unfamiliar places. Perhaps you need uninterrupted time with your partner. Perhaps you are exhausted and want a break from being responsible for everything. A month abroad is only one possible answer to those needs.

A completed note might read: “I want an afternoon without errands, somewhere unfamiliar. I cannot take a month away now. I can ask my partner to share the weekend tasks and plan one local outing. I will check what is possible together tonight.”

That plan does not replace a desired long trip or erase the constraint. It identifies something you can genuinely arrange. If travel remains an important goal, give it its own realistic plan instead of reopening the comparison every time your friend posts.

You also do not need to make their trip less enjoyable in your imagination. Their good experience can remain good while you work out what is missing in yours.

Let admiration become more specific

In Meditations 6.48, Marcus Aurelius reminds himself to take pleasure in the good qualities of people around him, including their energy, modesty and generosity. He directs attention toward qualities of conduct that can be noticed in everyday life.

Try applying that attention to the person you envy. What do they actually do well? “They always get noticed” names an outcome. “They explain complicated work clearly and give other people credit” names behaviour you could learn from.

You might congratulate your colleague on the appointment and, on another occasion, ask how they prepare those clear project updates. Give the congratulations without making an immediate demand in return. They do not owe you coaching because you are disappointed.

Keep admiration selective and truthful. You can learn from one skill without approving of everything a person does. If you cannot identify a quality you sincerely admire, ordinary fairness is enough. You do not have to manufacture praise.

Mistakes that keep the comparison going

• Calling a wanted thing worthless after losing it. If you wanted the role, admit it. Decide whether you still want to pursue similar work. Contempt does not answer the practical question.
• Using philosophy to feel superior. “They have status, but I am wiser” keeps the same ranking game. Return to whether you behaved honestly and generously in this particular situation.
• Turning reflection into another comparison session. Once you have named the desire, the unknowns and a next step, stop checking the announcement. Return after you have new information or an action to review.

You may still feel a pang when you see the person. You can acknowledge it and carry out the fair action you chose. The immediate test is whether envy is directing your behaviour, not whether you have managed to banish every uncomfortable feeling.

Keep one useful question close

Write this question on paper or in a note: “What do I want here, and what am I willing to do for it?” Use it the next time an announcement turns into a judgment about your worth. Then answer it with a specific action or an honest decision to leave that goal alone.

Choose one recent comparison now. Finish these three lines: “The particular thing I want is ____. The cost or constraint I need to examine is ____. My next fair action is ____.” Let those answers guide what you do after you close the page.

An optional way to return to an idea

If philosophical passages help you return to that kind of reflection, Stoic Widgets offers Home Screen quote widgets and saved favourites on iPhone. It is an optional way to keep ideas nearby. The exercises above work with a notebook, and the original texts linked here can be read without the app.

Our company’s Stoic Widgets Internal Research Brief reports that 41% of consistent-use participants said the app changed how they think about themselves, compared with 18% of low-use or delayed-start participants. Based on internal pre-release product research across web, beta, and mobile users. Results are self-reported and preliminary.

This is a broad report about self-perception, not evidence that the app reduces envy. The usage groups were not randomly assigned, and differences between participants may help explain the association. The research did not test this article’s exercises. Read the research details.

Keep reading

For a closer look at effort and uncertain results, read our guide to the dichotomy of control. To explore more passages in context, try our practical guide to Marcus Aurelius.

About the writer

The Stoic Widgets Team

We make Stoic Widgets. WIDGET WORKS LLP publishes this magazine. This article includes links to our app and to original philosophical texts.